The Ballad Of A “Non-Apologizer”
I’m stubborn, and while I’m not always willing to admit that, most people who get to know me are able to figure it out pretty quickly. Oh, and guess what? Norris (my partner) is also stubborn … correction, he’s “rigid.” Sorry if you’re reading this, Norris, but we both know it’s true and either way I still love you. xoxo.
We tend to agree on most things, but I’d be lying if I said we haven’t had our fair share of heated disagreements. Feelings are hurt. Emotions are high. And sometimes neither one of us is willing to budge and give up the power … AKA apologize. Why is it that saying sorry is so hard? Each time we come to these emotional crossroads, I dig in my heals and try to twist and turn the situation. I will pick out particular details that lean in my favor and hope that by end of the discussion, I will come out victorious and on the opposite end of an apology. It’s just too bad that Norris has learned my not-so-secret super strategy, and has started using his own strategy of never giving me what I want in these moments. #stalemate
When this happens we both tend to go our separate ways for a while, until someone eventually starts the conversation again. It’s by no means apologizing, but life goes on and usually one of us (if not both of us) has decided that whatever we were fighting about doesn’t deserve any more of our attention … and at the end of the day it really wasn’t worth it. So again I ask myself … why is apologizing so difficult? Each time we find ourselves tangled in this strange emotional dance, I try to figure out why I’m refusing to say the words. Is it because I truly believe that I deserve an apology? Is it because I know I’m wrong, and I’m just refusing to admit it? What is happening and if it’s not important … why can’t I just mumble two words and end the fight?! We spend too much time laughing and enjoying each other’s company to waste time being passive and silent. If a simple sorry will get us back to laughing, why not say it?
A quote to live by courtesy of Dorinda Medley, current cast member of Bravo’s Real Housewives of New York.
But this actually goes beyond just the relationship I have with Norris. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s coworkers. It’s even complete strangers. There’s something strangely difficult about admitting that I was wrong, or that I possibly hurt someone else’s feelings. From what I’ve read, I’m what some might refer to as a “non-apologizer,” which means exactly what it sounds like. #sorrynotsorry
Even as a child, I struggled to admit fault and apologize. In elementary school, while showing off my newfound “karate skills,” a classmate decided to say I looked weak and that she could punch better than me. So … I used my sweet new skills and punched her right in the face. Probably not one of my finest moment but third grade Noah was upset and took action!
Waiting in the main office for my parents to arrive, I knew I’d done something wrong but when they said I had to face this girl and apologize, oh hell no! Absolutely not. My defense was that she started it by making fun of my karate, so why didn’t she have to apologize to me?! It made sense at the time, but my refusal to say sorry resulted in a week of no recess AKA the worst! Lesson learned, right? Wrong, but also I was eight-years-old so there’s that, too.
Cut to this last week when my “friend” did, in fact, read my blog and was not-so-surprisingly a little upset about it. When I saw his text come through, I rolled my eyes. What did he want? Who cares if he read it, right? He struck first and he should apologize to me. It’s not my fault I called you out on your shady comment and followed it up with a few suggestions of my own. Whoops. My bad. I thought that was allowed since clearly we were giving each other notes.
Was it petty of me to put his life on blast in a post … it sure was, but I didn’t care. After a few texts back and forth, both of us trying to explain why the other needed to apologize, I took a deep breath, and finally just caved. I could continue to drag this out like an ill-fated housewife trying to make the most of her final season on Bravo, but instead, I apologized because ultimately his feelings were hurt and for that, I was slightly sorry. Yes, he hurt my feelings first. And no, he didn’t bother to apologize on his end, but in a few weeks, none of this would even matter.
Recently, I’ve tried to wrap my head around the idea that saying sorry doesn’t always have to be about admitting that you were wrong, but more or less apologizing for the fact that you hurt someone. Of course, you should ABSOLUTELY apologize if you’ve done something wrong, but sometimes saying sorry falls into a grey area. Even if you can rewind the tapes and prove that you did nothing wrong, if feelings on either side were hurt in the process … an apology might be necessary. We are all humans (at least I hope so), and there are times when the super shields we put up to protect our emotions are penetrated. Unfortunately, a majority of the time it’s by the people we love and respect the most. Why? Because it’s when we’re around those people that we lower our guard and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and it’s their words and actions that tend to carry the most weight.
Where am I going with this? My point is … don't be afraid to say sorry and don’t be afraid to call someone out and ask for an apology if/when they hurt you. However, it should also be noted that saying sorry is a two-way street that requires both parties to take action. If you’ve done something wrong you should say sorry, but knowing when to say it also requires someone to admit they need it in order to move forward. And if someone apologizes … forgive them and mean it.
WARNING: Don’t dredge up old shit. If you are owed an apology, you do have a window of time where you need to bring it up or squash it and move on entirely. Asking for an apology because someone said something shady that hurt your feelings four years ago at a mutual friends barbecue while you were both drunk is old news. Let. It. Go! Now if that barbecue was last week … damn right you deserve an apology!
Apologizing doesn’t make you a weaker person. It makes you a bigger person. And if you hurt someone you love and care about … just say sorry. Speaking of which, I’ve got a few people I should probably go apologize to … right after I go demand a few apologies of my own. JK!
- Noah Lee Jordan (#WNN)
Don’t believe me? Check out a few articles on the subject of saying sorry.
I Can’t Apologize (Sorry!) - New York Times
5 Reasons Why Some People Will Never Say Sorry - PsychologyToday.com
How to Deal with a Friend Who Never Says, “I’m Sorry” - Hello, Giggles
SONG OF THE BLOG (#SOTB): “Someone Gets Hurt” - Mean Girls on Broadway